First I have to say that I love, seriously LOVE my new layout! erinilliana , you are the best! Such a beautiful layout with my beloved Prussia-the-Awesome, I just couldn't  be happier!!

Well, in fact there is a possibility. If only I could get rid of those stupid exams and focus on something much more pleasant, like reading books or writing fanfiction that should be written long time ago. But no - actually I have to learn boring law of ancient Rome, history of law and so on. God, I wish I could throw it all away.

Anyway, I've got a plan. Really strict plan, schedule of when and what should I learn, for everyday till exams day.
That means I have to learn now. And that I should be learning right now.

...Ups

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Neil Gaiman

Nice one, I guess. Not really associated with my current situation but I've found it today one somebody's blog.

Dammit, there are people who are younger,the same age or older. And read more. A lot more.
It makes me depressed.

There's no love. No stupid devotion, no space for imagination, speculations, hoping.
No possibilities.

( More )

Posting from my best friend's place, from unusual solitude which makes me happy, from sunny Kings' City. I like her room. It's big, bigger than my own but she has to share it with other girl. Still, she managed to make this place hers. With film posters, Alfons Mucha's art reproduction, roentgen scans taped to window, her stuff all around (I can't do something similar with my room. It's just the way I saw it first time, with only more furniture. There are even the same ugly pictures hanged on the wall.)
Suddenly and somehow, her place feels like home. Maybe that's just an illusion, since I've been staying with Someone Important. Maybe, who knows, not me for sure, I'm not that good in decoding myself.

One of her flatmates has a rabbit. An old one, I guess. That beast is quite big, furry and mean. It makes noise at night and bites hand that gives food. Its owner has no interest in the rabbit, she probably doesn't care and cause it is a stupid, annoying pet everybody is mocking it. Owner doesn't mind.
A few minutes ago I've been watching it. A terrified, foolish animal, scared of people around, biting everything what's moving in a dirty aquarium (or whatever that glassy "cage" is called), refusing to eat.
Stupid, stupid animal.

In fact, that was my first encounter with Sloganizer (yeah, I know, I'm retarded). Since I have no idea what should I type and I'm still under big impression after Hetalia April Fool's Day and because my love for Prussia has no limits...








Damn, is it THAT obvious?

I've just done it:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Amazing, isn't it? And this one as well:

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)   You have odd obsessions that you cannot seem to control. You may even perform rituals to make you feel better. Counting and continuously obsessing over things happens frequently.
Manic Depressive
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
Paranoia
What mental disorder do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I knew that I have some psychological problems, I just knew it!! Kukukuku, beware...

God, I'm SO tired.
Mostly because of lack of sleep, doing that damned psychology project for my mother, general frustration due to wrong choices and so on. Even my roommates have begun to piss me off. Damn, I need some sleep and rest. I don't know, a day spend on reading and writing? Or watching films I should watch long time ago?

I have an idea!
Cause I borrowed a new, inspiring book : " A Fractured Mind - Life with Multiple Personality Disorder" I'm going to write something about psychological problems. I don't know abut who that text will be, my own or based on a fandom but that subject seems t be pretty interesting. Not mentioning that sometimes I think I have a MPD as well ^^"

How the fuck can I do that famous lj-cut everybody does? Have no idea and no strength to find it.

And there'll be House x Cuddy sex scene! Yay!

Tags: books, free time, house md, tired like hell, writing

Style change! Finally, and mostly because something happened to my previous one. Simply, I destroyed it somehow. Don't ask me how.


I feel... strange. Not only because I haven't slept tonight a lot (my worst exam poisoned my life T.T). Mostly because I finished my longest fanfic, "Beneath my pillow". 81 pages, five chapters, two epilogues, countless nights spent on this little story. It is almost funny, the feeling, me staring at the desktop, knowing, that I should do something, write something, finish something but still the story is over, is already finished. Strange. I miss mourning Sakura, miss blind, dying Itachi, their strange relationship fulfilled with despair, sorrow, need. It looks like I cannot really live without writing. Even thinking abut Photoshop, awareness that I had to develop my skills can't draw my attention enough to forget about BmP. To forget about what I have to do: write.

Maybe I'm just an average writer, probably I am but still I want to tell some stories. I fucking want it.


Btw, Poland in AP Hetalia rocks.Felix babe, I love you. Like, totally :D
This manga makes me proud of my country, its history, the fact that Poland has the unique ability : crushed, destroyed, killed still can rise from the dead, like a phoenix. I'm grateful, I'd like to bow down before those, who make Poland alive again, who fought for Her, who died protecting Her.
Gosh, I've drown in patriotism and sentimentalism. And it's only because I read one, humorous, historical manga. Guess I'm more sensitive that I thought.

UlquiHime is my new, another Bleach OTP. I LOVE interaction between these two. Probably I'm gonna write something, small one-shot about them ^^.
Back in the game :D

A particular one. Connected with number of comments and my overall vision of this journal. Completely lonely and forgotten, one of the thousands, millions journals almost identical. I'm nothing new, right? It is nothing new, isn't it?
I found a strange, frustrating pleasure in torturing myself, and no, not in sexual way (I'm not a masochist, dammit). Running away from problems, I turn on the music, which makes me feel absolutely deeply miserable and lost on a tracks of life. If it isn't enough, I began to pretend that I am doing some housework, just in case my conscience would like to whine about my actual position and the fact that I'm doing nothing.
Just pretending, as I said before.
Plus, my best friend (who recently has been acting as not-so-friendly) wrote me a message that she's feeling the same way too. Come on, people, what's that? A new kind of disease, attacking by a cell phone? Or simply simultaneous PMS/period?
And I screwed up my relationship with one of my roommates. I like him. I really do. He is somebody important, helpful, someone I care about. I want him to be happy, utterly completely happy. But still, it's not me. I'm not the person who can give him that pure happiness. That's ok, I know he thinks I am his best friend, his one and only ideal life partner, fucking other half of apple or any damned fruit. And I know that it is not really my business and that I cannot beg him to find himself a girlfriend only because he's acting like a little being emoish, crying and would like to treat me like kind of column he could wrap himself around. Or maybe I'm simply tired of constant pulling him out of his little dark hole,where he is waiting for a princess on a white horse to get him out, let him cry on her shoulder and tell "don't worry, it's gonna be ok. I'll take all responsibilities for your life and my love will make you better. And you finally will feel better, completed, perfect, because without relationship some parts of your personality are missing).
It only proves that I'm a bitch (a cutthroat bitch like Amber from House M.D maybe?), manipulative bitch who loves to play with every human, every man around.
Che, I'm really a bad person. The only problem is that I don't have any problems with it. Bitchy bitch with degenerated mind and morality.
And my precious P. said that I'm his personal sunshine, someone who makes him better, healthier, more energetic and optimistic. Really, me? Baby, do you know who are you talking about?

What the fuck.
It's all because I'm such a damned pussy and cannot do anything for myself, not thinking about money, my mother, my father, money, responsibilities and so on. I was supposed to go to Wrocław, for a manga-lovers meeting. I have been into that for weeks. And what? Actually I'm sitting in a dirty little internet cafe and fighting with Win 98. Because it's impossible for me to make my dreams come true and forget for a moment about credits my parents have. Damn it.
I'm so pathetic, really.

It happened to finish so quickly, I don't even know when.
Actually I'm sitting in my living room ,trying to ignore those irritating noises coming from turned on TV. I'm staring at my desktop, waiting for my friend, who probably isn't going to show up on Skype tonight. Whatever, like I care.
Well, I do a bit, but only a bit, nothing much.

I'm kinda...paralyzed with all those crazy things in my life. Yesterday I was an ordinary high-school student, in the same school for 6 long years, with the same old, good, tested friends I trust and I'd do everything for. After lessons coming to that rotten home of mine, full of despair, unfulfilled desires and dreams which haven't come true and probably never will. Coming home to my nervous mother, shattered with past and unsure future, with heavy arms from bearing and dealing with everyday problems. My father who is such a good man, but also a very enigmatic person. He is truly unpredictable, you can never guess if you're gonna see him home that night or maybe you will have to look for him and find him in a place you don't really want to enter.
Like it's important.

But now I have to move to another place, leaving behind all things and people I care deeply about. Who said that moving and starting an education at the university is easy? Probably no one, but it's still uncomfortable. I'm irritated with judgements, that maybe if I had learned more I would have been in Cracov with my two best friends. But I am not. I am somewhere else, why should I regret? Why some people, even if that come out from love and care about me makes me feel guilty and ashamed? Dunno.

I know that it's nothing but babbling but I have to get rid of it. It's fear, hidden deeply under my skin, coming out now when I am weaker than usual. I hate endings in every type or form and it, I mean fear, weakness, sorrow and need of love, acceptance and so on, feels that and uses this temporal gate to bring themselves to light.

Whatever.

Oh, he finally came. Lovely.

I wonder if there's everything ok with me. Come on, pink layer? It seems impossible, especially for me, since I'm well known from my hatred towards pink colour. Anyway, let's just say that this little kitten is so cute that I simply couldn't resist.
Che. Bullshit.

I've got new, beautiful notebook! It's decided that it'll be my second love, just after my stationary computer. I love them both :D The best thing about notebook is that I'll be able to write even more, without unpleasant pain radiating from my neck and back. Gonna start in a few next days and because I have a little break from Naruto fandom (fiction writing actually), it's going to be Bleach -related fiction. According to  fanfiction I've read recently, I'll write something about tenth division love. Thanks to formidable manifesto written by kanae_mizuhito I see much more in Matsumoto & Hitsugaya relationship and their bond became something really interesting, something worth much more interest and fandom works than it actually gets. Th first HitsuMatsu fiction I'll write will be based on one of 30_kisses themes, # 28, something about soda. I've already had quite nice plot prepared, mwhahaha...

Let's just say that's new begging, both for me and my livejournal. I have a feeling that it's going to be funny.

Pierwszy wpis we własnym osobistym livejournalu, czy jak to się tam zwie. Nie mam pojęcie, czy będę pisała zawsze po polsku, zawsze po angielsku (chociaż w sumie, włączając aktualnie pisany się wyklucza) czy może raz tak raz inaczej. Ale to chyba nie jest ważne.
Przemyślenie na dzień dzisiejszy - człowiek się starzeje. Objawy starzenia - nieustanna chęć na filmy disneyowskie, te pokroju "happy ending, ever ever after". M. stwierdziła, że jest to niezaprzeczalny objaw ucieczki przed dorosłością. Ale co tam M. wie, obiektywizm równy zeru, zważywszy na fakt, iż sama siedzi w księżniczkach & co. odkąd pamiętam.
Idźcie ludzie na "Zaczarowaną". Chociażby po to, żeby sobie miłych, optymistycznych piosenek posłuchać.
Swoją drogą, im jestem starsza, tym ciekawsze rzeczy słyszę i widzę w filmach. Kiedyś miałam wątpliwości, teraz jestem pewna, że Haruka i  Michiru z "SM" to związek yuri pełną gębą (nadal nie rozumiem fenomenu transformacji płciowej Gwiezdnych Czarodziejek - kop hormonalny, czy co?).  A ostatnio wychwyciłam, jak Hades mówi do Megary*, że ona się poświęciła dla jakiegoś gościa, a ten "szmaciarz puścił ją kantem". Szmaciarz O.O. Gdzie ja miałam uszy, kiedy oglądałam ten film po raz pierwszy?
Ha ! Mam 98 wejścia na ff. net! Hu, hu - i co najciekawsze sama sobie ich nie nabijam. Może niedługo dojedziemy do stówki. A weny wciąż brak, żeby dokończyć "Kiss" (czy jak tam to kolejne Bleachowe opowiadanie będzie się nazywać). Ktoś ma jakieś panaceum na wenobrak?


*"Obie persony pochodzą z filmu "Herkules", oczywiście stworzonego przez Disney'a. To tak jakby kto nie kojarzył